Out of Fairytales and Into the Woods

Have you seen this movie yet? If not, I'll give you a fair warning: There are spoilers in this blog.











If you have seen Into the Woods, you probably entered the theater expecting a heartwarming Disney fairy tale full of wicked monsters, heroic princes, and of course a beautiful, kind-hearted ingenue.  Or, if you saw the on-stage musical beforehand, you entered the theater watching your friends' faces to witness their reactions. You knew exactly what was coming and the ending didn't shock you.
Most people I have talked to have concluded that it was disappointing. However, I would beg to differ. I will compare this shocking tragedy with traditional Disney fairy tales and you can decide for yourself.

Let's consider some first-rate princess cartoons, such as Cinderella, Snow White, The Little Mermaid, and Sleeping Beauty. They all draw a clear line between right and wrong. The princess are kind and compassionate, even to their enemies. Conversely, the villains are wicked through and through. For little to no reason, they want to destroy the heroes and heroines. In the end, a heroic young prince fights bravely and saves the princess. Good wins!

Then the little girls turn the television off and earnestly desire a beautiful dress and a castle like the princesses. They hope that maybe someday a handsome prince will save them and everybody will appreciate them for the beautiful heroines that they are and they'll live happily ever after. Then HIGH SCHOOL happens. Not everybody appreciates them for the beautiful princesses that they are! And there are not handsome boys falling all over them! The audacity!

I don't believe this happens all the time. Not everybody was hooked on the Disney fairy tales as a child like I was. But I think that children need to know that they are not perfect. They will make mistakes and hurt people and they need to recognize the bad choices that they have made rather than thinking that life is all about them.

This is where I believe Into the Woods has bested the fairy tales. The characters have weaknesses, some of them fatal. The baker believes his wife to be incapable. The princes are players. Jack is a thief. Little Red is naive and gullible. The baker's wife does anything necessary to break the curse on her family. And that's only in the first act.
They also make mistakes and hurt each other. Jack kills a giant after stealing his most prized possessions. The prince's steward accidentally kills Jack's mother in an effort to keep her quiet. The baker's wife cheats on her husband with Cinderella's prince.
They have conflicts of interest. The baker's wife has several different wishes. On one hand she wishes to have a baby more than anything else. Once she's had the baby, she desires to keep it safe and save the kingdom from the giant. Then the prince kisses her and she wishes she could be royalty. Even though some of her desires are wrong, her character is an honest portrayal of human nature. Everyone wants the wrong things as well as the right things. People naturally have conflicting desires and that is why the baker's wife is the most rounded, real character.

Ultimately, the lesson is that our wishes lead to actions and those actions have consequences. In the traditional fairy tales, wishes coming true are seen as a happy ending. Into the Woods sheds a critical light on that concept. What if your wishes do come true? Are you willing to accept the results?

However, I cannot wholly vouch for this movie. There are some very dark points to consider.
Adultery is accepted, if not justified. After the baker's wife and the prince kiss, she wishes that she could have both her husband and the prince, rather than her husband or the prince. She sings these words:
Just remembering you've had an 'and'/ When you're back to 'or'/ Makes the 'or' mean more/ Than it did before.
So, if you commit adultery you will end up treasuring your husband more. That was her conclusion anyway. Yeah, no.

The musical ends with another misconception. The last song occurs when Cinderella and the baker instruct Jack and Little Red on how to continue on when almost everyone they know are dead. They plan to slay the giant, but Red laments that she doesn't think that it's right to do so. She believes that it would be wrong. Older, wiser Cinderella reminds her that she can decide what's right and what's wrong:
Witches can be right/ Giants can be good/ You decide what's right/ You decide what's good
This lovely song is the perfect essence of postmodernism. Morality is relevant. YOU can decide.
 However, this song is incoherent with the rest of the musical. The lesson was "Be careful of the wishes you make," because they can hurt other people and yield terrible results. But if I decide what right, than why does it matter if I hurt other people to get what I want? Can't I decide that what I want is the highest good?
The moral retracts on itself. But that's postmodernism in a nutshell.

Thank you for reading and I hope this was helpful for analyzing Into the Woods!

Life Starts Now

Have you ever had one of those moments where you realize that you're extremely thirsty? Hungry? Weary? You probably have been in much need of water, food or sleep for a long time, but you just then are suddenly aware of it.

That's how I felt this morning. Except, I wasn't hungry, thirsty or tired. I was empty. I was selfish. I woke up desperately needing God's love. I've woken up like this a lot, but today I was acutely aware of it.

I took a break from homework and opened up my Bible, and of course God knew exactly what I needed. As I've been working at a coffee shop, I've kind of equated myself with one of those extremely cranky customers that comes in regularly. Except instead of being a regular at Biggby, I try to be a regular at the Bible. Not only am I a cranky customer, but I'm also one of the customers that has no stinking idea what I want so I just stand there staring at the menu board. But God is the ultimate barista, so He knows exactly what I need. 

Today I needed a strong dose of the gospel of John. In John 11, Jesus hears that one of his best friends has died. I love this story because it reveals the humanity of Christ. He had close friends who he loved deeply, and he hurt deeply when they were hurt. So he goes to his friend's funeral in Bethany. 

"On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home. 
'Lord,' Martha said to Jesus, 'if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.' 
"Jesus said to her, 'Your brother will rise again.'
"Martha answered, 'I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.'"
"Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?'
"'Yes, Lord,' she told him, 'I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who was to come into the world."
-John 11:17, 20-27

Martha knows her stuff. She has listened to Jesus and knows his promises of eternal life. However, she underestimates him. She believes that she and her family will have eternal life in heaven. But Jesus has something even better for her.

"Then Jesus said, 'Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?'
So they took away the stone...Jesus called in a loud voice, 'Lazarus, come out!'
"The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.
"Jesus said to them, 'Take off the grave clothes and let him go."
-John 11:40,43-44

When Jesus offers us life, he isn't just talking about heaven. He offers us life where we are right now. 
He satisfies our soul's hunger and thirst and gives us new strength. He gives us new life. 
Max Lucado wrote a wonderful book entitled Come Thirsty that elaborates on the wonderful gift of eternal life that Jesus has offered us. I highly recommend it.

Shameless Plug: I also highly recommend Biggby if you are physically thirsty. The frozen tea lattes are soooooo good.

What We Missed

Presently there is a bouquet of red roses sitting on my kitchen counter, blooming fresh and beautiful despite the dreary rain outside. Almost like these flowers are defiantly holding on to Spring, even though the world outside is rapidly moving towards Autumn.
I admire their beauty while I can, because I know that they won't last for long. In a few days, they will probably start to wilt. But they're still beautiful while they're alive.

In a lot of ways, life is like that rose. It's a vapor. It blooms, it's beautiful, and then it wilts and dies. But life is still beautiful. Isn't it?

What if I tried to make that rose live as long as possible. I bought a solar lamp or something and a greenhouse environment to make it grow. I made sure it was in the peak of health for a rose. Not only that, but I made sure that it was productive. The seeds were germinated and planted in perfect, fertile soil.

Then the rose could wilt eventually with the full knowledge that it lived a healthy, productive life. We could bury it in the backyard where it can decompose in peace. We could even say a few words about how this rose served its purpose well in life.

But did it?
If we never once stopped to admire the rose while it bloomed, did the rose really serve its purpose?
Does your life really serve a purpose?
Or are you trying to live the healthiest, most productive life you can, and never once stopping to enjoy the little things that make life beautiful?
This is not me entreating you to give up on exercise, a career or an education. This is just me asking you to stop and smell the roses every once and a while.

Life Outside the Boxes

 Slam!

Self trudges through the door into her walk-in closet. Subconscious looks up from her stooped over position next to the shelves. She had dropped something from one of the boxes and it had rolled away into some unreachable cranny. Oh, well.

"How was last night, Self?" Subconscious asks, scrutinizing Self's scowling expression and bedraggled clothes.

Self grunts.

She hands Subconscious a vibrantly colored box labeled SATURDAY NIGHT SASS. 

"You're done with this for now?" Subconscious asks with a raised eyebrow.

Another grunt.

Subconscious obediently puts the brightly colored box on one of the shelves.

"Hey, will you pass me that purple box?" Self asks drowsily, rubbing her eyes.

"This one?" Subconscious says as she pulls down a pastel box labeled SUNDAY BEST.

"Yeah."

Subconscious pauses before handing Self the box.

"What is it?" Self mutters impatiently.

"I don't know. Don't you just feel a little....hypocritical about this?"

Blank stare.

Subconscious shifts uneasily. 

"I mean, you've been acting crabby and being salty with people all weekend and now you're just gonna walk into church like everything's cool? It just seems..."

"Well what do you suggest I do?" Self yells angrily. "Just throw God completely out of my life? No way!"

"Well then why don't you go all in and finally get rid of the crap?" Subconscious demands.

Now it's Self's turn to shift uneasily. 

"Well.....I...I...."

"I see," says Subconscious, her face as hard as flint.

Another weekend.

If you're anything like me, you fight with your subconscious. 

You rationalize and compromise and compartmentalize. 

See, I have this major error in my thinking. I picture myself as two different people. The perfect girl who only listens to Christian music, never gets upset, and always keeps a tight rein on her tongue (she doesn't exist) and the edgy girl who listens to whatever she wants, believes whatever she wants, and compromises as much as possible (she also doesn't exist-not because I don't compromise, but because I'm not edgy). 

The reality is I'm stuck in the middle between two people that I want to be. 

And neither of them are who God wants me to be.

I have a tendency to put my life into boxes. I think control is a basic human desire, so we try to organize ourselves as a result. We put our "party" selves in one box and our "spiritual" selves in another. 

I've been praying recently that God would make me someone "after His own heart," just like David was. I thought that maybe by doing this my "spiritual box" would grow bigger. However, I've found that God hasn't been making my box bigger.

He's been telling me to burn the box.

Burn all the boxes.

Life wasn't meant to be lived inside boxes. Our souls aren't supposed to be divided. Jesus talks about this in Matthew 6:24.

“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other."

We weren't created to pursue two things at once. Our entire beings were made solely for God. But He doesn't expect us to be perfect. 

Self and Subconscious are both wrong. God doesn't expect us to be perfect, just honest. He doesn't want you to have a bigger "spiritual" box. He wants all of you. He's not content with just your "Sunday best"; he wants your "Monday worst," your Saturday nights and everything in between.

Side Note: I really like the above picture. 

Jesus' arms are wide open to the city of Rio de Janeiro below him, 

and I think that this portrays the character of God accurately. 

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." -John 10:10 

Life was meant to be lived outside of boxes.

The "Good" in Goodbyes

good-bye
[ ˌgo͝odˈbī ]

A farewell. A parting.

I searched the Internet for a suitable definition of this word and couldn't find one. How do you describe such a primal, crucial word? Farewell sounds too cold and cordial. A parting is also too unfeeling to give life to the true meaning of the word.

"Goodbyes" have always been my worst fear. I know it sounds strange. Some people are afraid of heights, some people are afraid of public speaking, but I am terrified of goodbyes. Losing people I'm close to is horrifying. Even as a kid, I would cry every time I left my grandparents' house, or my best friend had to go home, or if anybody was leaving.

Goodbye.

How many people in the world have used this word? How many soldiers have said this to their families before they left for the battlefield? How many parents have said this to children they'll never see again? How many "goodbyes" have subsequent "hellos"?

Wow, that was really dark. Hold up, this blog has a better conclusion.

I've thought a lot about how people come and go in my life recently. In a couple months, I'll be entering a new chapter in my life. My dad has started a new job mentoring kids who have had difficult home lives. He has a heart for helping people and this is what God has led him to do. The down side? He can't pastor our church anymore because of this job.

I've spent the last four and a half years at this church. I've built relationships with people that I don't ever want to sever.

Where's the "good" in "goodbyes" anyway?

Last Sunday morning, during worship, I looked out over the congregation and saw the faces of men and women who loved God. I thought about how each and every one of them had invested me in some way.

I remembered how Mrs. Grzenia had told me her story when I first moved here. She had moved from Poland to Germany when she was a little girl, so she related to me about the struggles of moving from one place to another. She encouraged me once again with her story yesterday. Her faith astounds me.

I remembered when Dad had first told me about Pastor Dave. He said that one of the main reasons he wanted to take the job at Grace was because he wanted me to grow in grace under the strong leadership of David Hansen. Being the sassy junior higher I was, I thought that I could mouth off to this guy. I wasn't expecting him to be so kind, funny and welcoming that I felt guilty for even thinking mean thoughts about him.

Then there was Anne. She was soft spoken and gentle, so at first I thought we could have nothing in common. She started investing in me and talking to me, and quickly became a godly influence in my life. We talked about everything from clothes to the stupid insecurities that girls share and how God is greater than them all.

The Jurek clan are some of the coolest people I know. They're godly and fashionable and drink Starbucks coffee regularly. Erick is kind and would always patiently teach me how to play bass riffs. Ashton is optimistic and cheerful and can light up the room with her smile. She's also a writer and has a killer blog. Kory is the best drummer ever, period. He's really humble about it too. He's given me a great example to follow (and he gave me some of his facial hair, not willingly, but that's another story). Dave Jurek makes me laugh because we have the same sense of humor. He's encouraging and a great person to talk to.

Jacqui Vaulkenburg-I couldn't even list all the times she's made me laugh. She's amiable and charming. We're so close that we can be awkward together, and she's also the kind of friend that will hide me with her jacket while I'm blowing my nose so that the other people at Applebee's won't see.

I could go on and on about every person at Grace, so much that I could probably write a book! The ways that God has blessed me through these people is incalculable.

It wasn't until I was faced with "goodbye" that I realized just how much I love them. I wouldn't be the person I am today without their encouragement and fellowship.

So here's the "good" in "goodbyes"-

For Christians, there's always a subsequent hello.

I know that I'll see all of them again. I have no intention of cutting ties in this life either; but even if there is a fallout, I know we'll all be together again someday.

So even though I'm embarking on this new chapter in my life, I won't forget the earlier characters. God sends people into our lives and sometimes he takes them away. There's nothing I can do about it. I'm in control of nothing.

The key is to trust God, because He's not only the author of your story. He's the hero, the one character that will walk with you through it all.

Reflections on Camp Barakel 2014

Stop.

Imagine for a moment that your life hits a pause button. Stop the chaos; stop the noise. Leave your past and your petty worries behind you. 

Take a deep breath and let the sunshine soak into your bones. Look at the beauty around you and think about the beautiful character of the God who created it. 

That's what a week at Barakel feels like. A long drought of cold water, a relieved laugh after so many days of pent up stress. There's something about the people, the place, the Spirit of God that's healing. 
Forget about your anxieties back home. Focus on the raw, glorious truth of God's word. 

Rewind.

I'm sitting at home cramming in online college homework, job searching, and hastily packing. I feel like I'm growing up way too fast. Was it really only a couple months ago that I was sitting in school, needing to raise my hand and ask when I had to go to the bathroom? Now I'm signing up for college classes, taking career evaluation tests, and signing up for drivers training. Culture shock much? With all these looming decisions I feel like I'm caught in the middle of a hurricane, with a million voices howling at me and pulling me in every direction. 

Then, like the eye of a hurricane, a week at camp is in sight. I'm hoping to have a great week and serve well, but there was no way I could have known how much God would move in my life. Because I was working as a tech, I thought that the total focus would be on the campers and I was just helping out. Since then I've learned I should never underestimate Camp Barakel.

The techs and engineers were genuine people. I loved talking to them and serving with them. Our counselors were hard working and compassionate. There was buzzing activity and beautiful piano music. There was not so beautiful music when we girls took over the dish room and sang our hearts out (don't judge; we were making a joyful noise). 

Through prayer, devotions, and conversations that week, a warm glow started forming in my chest. I felt God working in me, maturing me. I think I grew up. I didn't sleep much because I spent many night hours thinking hard. I was blessed just as much as the campers.

The best day of the week was Sunday. The speaker, Mr. Duffrin, gave a hard-hitting message. Two hundred people stood together in the East Side Chapel and worshiped God. 

After chapel, we had about two hours to have some alone time with God. 

Sitting under a tree by Shear Lake, I read through the faith chapter in Hebrews. I wondered how I could go home the next day. How could I leave this place that had encouraged me so much? How could I live when I wasn't living at Barakel? 

By faith.

God showed me that he was the same both at camp and at home. He who had brought me to Shear Lake and music and good friends would bring me through whatever lie ahead. I felt peace. It was in that moment that I realized God had been changing me. I wasn't the same person as when I came. 

I was okay with that.

Fast Forward.

I'm standing with other techs and engineers a couple feet away from the buses. We hug and say goodbye. Man, I hate goodbyes.

I've never felt so torn. I miss my family, but I want to stay so much it hurts. I close my eyes and remember the faith chapter. 

God is faithful. He won't leave me when I get home.

I inhale deeply and step onto the bus.

It's time for my life back home to...

Start.

Cold Clarity

You wake up one bright summer day (around noon of course) and decide to head to the beach. The sun glares down on you and cooks you like a slab of beef. Sweat soaks into your clothes and trickles down your forehead. You run to the water and submerge underneath the waves and...
Ahh.
The coldness brings feeling back into your burnt skin. The sweat and grime are washed away, and just like that you feel clean and brand new again.

Side note: If you have ever been to any of the beaches near Saginaw (namely Sanford and Bay City) your experience was probably nothing like this. You most likely reluctantly stepped into the murky greenish brown water and left smelling like a wet dog. But I digress.

The water encompasses you. It's so clear you can see the sandy floor beneath. Your sore muscles relax. When you finally come back to the surface the sun doesn't seem so vicious anymore.
There are some Bible verses that make me feel like this. When I feel caked in my sin nature and my bad attitude is sticking to me like mud, God's word gently washes it all away. Sometimes they're convicting, but, like diving into cold water, it brings me clarity. Here is such a verse:

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is the body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.
-Ephesians 1:15-23

I want to know the why behind things (my parents can testify). One of the things I love about this verse is that Paul, after praying that the church would have hope, gives reasons why we have the hope that we have. He prays that the people would learn to know God better, but then also prophesies about God's character so they would. He prays that the people would hope and believe in God's power, then explains why we can believe in God's power. 
We can hope in God because the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is at work in us. The same power that made Jesus king at his coronation in the heavenly realms is the same power that has called us to follow him. That power is incomparable.
As a pastor's kid, I practically live at the church. Sometimes, I get burnt out. But Jesus is the head of the church, and the fullness of him is manifested in it. Reading verses about Christ's power give me hope. His church is immensely valuable to him, and he won't abandon us.
The power and glory of Jesus Christ is filling his church with hope.
And that's way more refreshing than any trip to the beach.

On The Water

"That's like nailing jello to a wall."
I've heard that phrase several times in the past couple days, which was really strange because I had never heard it before. It's a funny image for sure. I was seriously considering trying to do it, but maybe another day. Instead, I thought it might be a funny name for a blog. 
Nailing jello to a wall.
If you haven't heard that phrase, it means "that's really hard to do." We as humans have a unique relationship with doing hard things. We cringe at thinking about doing something taxing or strenuous. 
Exercise. 
Homework.
Social interaction.
Did any of these make you shudder?
But I believe that we all have an innate desire to do hard things. We want adventure, hardship, something that rips us out of our comfort zone and leads us into something brand new. 
My devotions this morning lead me to this story in Matthew:

During the fourth watch of the night, Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.
But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
"Come," he said.
-Matthew 14:25-29

First of all, I would just like to note that if it had been a ghost or some sort of evil spirit, Peter was not very smart by asking it to call him out onto the water. What if the "ghost" told him to step out into the lake and then watched him drown? I'm just spitballing here.
It wasn't a ghost though. It was Jesus, Peter's friend, teacher and Lord. If there was anybody Peter could trust, it would be Jesus. 
But notice that Peter asks Jesus to call him out on the water, not the other way around. Jesus doesn't ask to test Peter's faith. The disciple does it willingly. It's as if Peter wants to be in mortal danger. He understands that the only thing keeping him above the waves is Jesus. Peter wants to go anyway. He desires to do hard things.
In the same way, we all desire to do something that appears difficult. Whether it's joining the military, learning to play an instrument, or nailing jello to a wall. I would like to encourage you to go after those things, and don't be afraid. The winds will be strong and the rain will sting and the thunder will shake you at your core. Just remember that the one who made the storms will be there to catch you if you fall. 
So do hard things. 
Go nail that jello.

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/12477145/?claim=qre6ykaayvs">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

Why Girls Like Morons

We all have that one friend. She’s with that one guy.
He’s so obnoxious.
He’s so full of himself.
Seriously?
However, many a girl has crushed on one moron or another in her lifetime. When I say “moron” I’m not referring to a dumb guy, but a guy who seriously has his priorities out of whack. He’s the guy that doesn’t think before he talks, before he acts, or at all.
“You’re hot.”
Wow. That took a lot of brain cells. Or maybe even this:
“You want to go out with me?”
Go out where? Outside? On the swings, the soccer field, what? If he doesn’t even care to specify where he wants to take you, he’s a moron.
So here’s the question: why do girls find morons attractive?
I am doing the best that I can with my brief life experience of sixteen years to analyze this.

Attention.

Let’s face it: some boys are really good at giving attention. But is it always good attention? He doesn’t respect you. He talks about you to his friends like you’re a trophy on his mantle. That’s not the kind of attention you want.
The sad thing is that some girls don’t care. She might be so desperate that the degrading why her guy treats her doesn’t matter.

Comfort.

Shallowness, complacency, negativity-they’re comfortable. For example, you’ve had an argument (maybe even a cat fight) with another girl. The first thing you do is call your guy up and rant. Here’s what a moron would do: trash the girl that fought with you, agree that you were just a victim, and “make you feel better.”
Your anger would be appeased, your comfort zone restored.
Here’s what a good guy would do: remind you that you’re not a victim, you’re a victor over your circumstances and can respond with kindness, and make you feel convicted. Not very comfortable, huh?

Fear.

She’s afraid that nobody but a moron would ever like her.
Ouch.
That’s some serious damage there. Fear and doubt fuses together and worms its way into a relationship. When we view ourselves negatively, everyone else is tinted darkly as well.
Sometimes I want to grab a girl by the shoulders, shake her really hard, and say, “You are way more than who you think you are!”
I don’t think violently shaking someone would solve the problem though.
Anyway, insecurity is the root of why she’s afraid of good guys. She’s afraid that when a good guy finds out that she’s not perfect, he drops her like a bad habit. But nobody’s perfect. Just because he’s respectful and kind doesn’t mean he’s flawless. He probably still tells lame jokes and eats his boogers and stuff like that.
The main reason why I think girls (and guys) are attracted to morons is because they don’t want a deep relationship. It’s not hard to stay away from a deep relationship with someone who’s shallow. But if it’s not a deep relationship, it’s not a relationship worth having.

Copyright Kaleigh Kuhns 2014. Kaleigh has never actually been in a relationship so she might have no idea what she’s talking about. She’s just going from what she knows as the official Shoulder-To-Cry-On at BrokenheartedGirls Inc.

How To Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

Dear friend,
If you are reading this with your brain fully intact, then obviously you have done a wonderful job surviving the zombie apocalypse. My brain is being held inside my skull by a couple layers of duct tape (yes, it is very painful; thank you for asking).
As you know, the apocalypse began in California but moved rapidly eastward. I think this is because not many people in California have brains, so the zombies starved until they managed to move elsewhere.
Luckily, I had been preparing for this for years. I equipped myself with duct tape, pocket knives and matches. Because zombies are hopelessly subject to cuteness, I brought a couple pictures of my kitten, Queen Terd. Also, zombies passionately love to dance, so I brought my iPod. If you ever are being chased by zombies, simply play Michael Jackson’s Thriller-the fiends won’t stop dancing.
I was about to run out the door when I heard a moaning sound outside the house.
The zombies were close at hand. I saw the ugly creatures pawing at my backdoor, and I knew that more would be there in no time. I bolted out my front door and ran for my life.


Unfortunately, a zombie was already in my front yard. It clawed at my head, trying to get to my brain, but my pet llama, Howells, butted the zombie away. Hurt, I used duct tape to bandage my head and hopped on Howells’s back. I rode Howells all the way to Alaska, where zombies can’t go because of the cold. It was a long trip. Howells and I ate only raw pasta and twinkies for three weeks. These are the precautions you must take to survive a zombie apocalypse.
-A guy who has survived the zombie apocalypse (with very nice smelling hair)