If you are reading this with your brain fully intact, then obviously you have done a wonderful job surviving the zombie apocalypse. My brain is being held inside my skull by a couple layers of duct tape (yes, it is very painful; thank you for asking).
As you know, the apocalypse began in California but moved rapidly eastward. I think this is because not many people in California have brains, so the zombies starved until they managed to move elsewhere.
Luckily, I had been preparing for this for years. I equipped myself with duct tape, pocket knives and matches. Because zombies are hopelessly subject to cuteness, I brought a couple pictures of my kitten, Queen Terd. Also, zombies passionately love to dance, so I brought my iPod. If you ever are being chased by zombies, simply play Michael Jackson’s Thriller-the fiends won’t stop dancing.
I was about to run out the door when I heard a moaning sound outside the house.
The zombies were close at hand. I saw the ugly creatures pawing at my backdoor, and I knew that more would be there in no time. I bolted out my front door and ran for my life.
Unfortunately, a zombie was already in my front yard. It clawed at my head, trying to get to my brain, but my pet llama, Howells, butted the zombie away. Hurt, I used duct tape to bandage my head and hopped on Howells’s back. I rode Howells all the way to Alaska, where zombies can’t go because of the cold. It was a long trip. Howells and I ate only raw pasta and twinkies for three weeks. These are the precautions you must take to survive a zombie apocalypse.
-A guy who has survived the zombie apocalypse (with very nice smelling hair)
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