Life Outside the Boxes

 Slam!

Self trudges through the door into her walk-in closet. Subconscious looks up from her stooped over position next to the shelves. She had dropped something from one of the boxes and it had rolled away into some unreachable cranny. Oh, well.

"How was last night, Self?" Subconscious asks, scrutinizing Self's scowling expression and bedraggled clothes.

Self grunts.

She hands Subconscious a vibrantly colored box labeled SATURDAY NIGHT SASS. 

"You're done with this for now?" Subconscious asks with a raised eyebrow.

Another grunt.

Subconscious obediently puts the brightly colored box on one of the shelves.

"Hey, will you pass me that purple box?" Self asks drowsily, rubbing her eyes.

"This one?" Subconscious says as she pulls down a pastel box labeled SUNDAY BEST.

"Yeah."

Subconscious pauses before handing Self the box.

"What is it?" Self mutters impatiently.

"I don't know. Don't you just feel a little....hypocritical about this?"

Blank stare.

Subconscious shifts uneasily. 

"I mean, you've been acting crabby and being salty with people all weekend and now you're just gonna walk into church like everything's cool? It just seems..."

"Well what do you suggest I do?" Self yells angrily. "Just throw God completely out of my life? No way!"

"Well then why don't you go all in and finally get rid of the crap?" Subconscious demands.

Now it's Self's turn to shift uneasily. 

"Well.....I...I...."

"I see," says Subconscious, her face as hard as flint.

Another weekend.

If you're anything like me, you fight with your subconscious. 

You rationalize and compromise and compartmentalize. 

See, I have this major error in my thinking. I picture myself as two different people. The perfect girl who only listens to Christian music, never gets upset, and always keeps a tight rein on her tongue (she doesn't exist) and the edgy girl who listens to whatever she wants, believes whatever she wants, and compromises as much as possible (she also doesn't exist-not because I don't compromise, but because I'm not edgy). 

The reality is I'm stuck in the middle between two people that I want to be. 

And neither of them are who God wants me to be.

I have a tendency to put my life into boxes. I think control is a basic human desire, so we try to organize ourselves as a result. We put our "party" selves in one box and our "spiritual" selves in another. 

I've been praying recently that God would make me someone "after His own heart," just like David was. I thought that maybe by doing this my "spiritual box" would grow bigger. However, I've found that God hasn't been making my box bigger.

He's been telling me to burn the box.

Burn all the boxes.

Life wasn't meant to be lived inside boxes. Our souls aren't supposed to be divided. Jesus talks about this in Matthew 6:24.

“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other."

We weren't created to pursue two things at once. Our entire beings were made solely for God. But He doesn't expect us to be perfect. 

Self and Subconscious are both wrong. God doesn't expect us to be perfect, just honest. He doesn't want you to have a bigger "spiritual" box. He wants all of you. He's not content with just your "Sunday best"; he wants your "Monday worst," your Saturday nights and everything in between.

Side Note: I really like the above picture. 

Jesus' arms are wide open to the city of Rio de Janeiro below him, 

and I think that this portrays the character of God accurately. 

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." -John 10:10 

Life was meant to be lived outside of boxes.

The "Good" in Goodbyes

good-bye
[ ˌgo͝odˈbī ]

A farewell. A parting.

I searched the Internet for a suitable definition of this word and couldn't find one. How do you describe such a primal, crucial word? Farewell sounds too cold and cordial. A parting is also too unfeeling to give life to the true meaning of the word.

"Goodbyes" have always been my worst fear. I know it sounds strange. Some people are afraid of heights, some people are afraid of public speaking, but I am terrified of goodbyes. Losing people I'm close to is horrifying. Even as a kid, I would cry every time I left my grandparents' house, or my best friend had to go home, or if anybody was leaving.

Goodbye.

How many people in the world have used this word? How many soldiers have said this to their families before they left for the battlefield? How many parents have said this to children they'll never see again? How many "goodbyes" have subsequent "hellos"?

Wow, that was really dark. Hold up, this blog has a better conclusion.

I've thought a lot about how people come and go in my life recently. In a couple months, I'll be entering a new chapter in my life. My dad has started a new job mentoring kids who have had difficult home lives. He has a heart for helping people and this is what God has led him to do. The down side? He can't pastor our church anymore because of this job.

I've spent the last four and a half years at this church. I've built relationships with people that I don't ever want to sever.

Where's the "good" in "goodbyes" anyway?

Last Sunday morning, during worship, I looked out over the congregation and saw the faces of men and women who loved God. I thought about how each and every one of them had invested me in some way.

I remembered how Mrs. Grzenia had told me her story when I first moved here. She had moved from Poland to Germany when she was a little girl, so she related to me about the struggles of moving from one place to another. She encouraged me once again with her story yesterday. Her faith astounds me.

I remembered when Dad had first told me about Pastor Dave. He said that one of the main reasons he wanted to take the job at Grace was because he wanted me to grow in grace under the strong leadership of David Hansen. Being the sassy junior higher I was, I thought that I could mouth off to this guy. I wasn't expecting him to be so kind, funny and welcoming that I felt guilty for even thinking mean thoughts about him.

Then there was Anne. She was soft spoken and gentle, so at first I thought we could have nothing in common. She started investing in me and talking to me, and quickly became a godly influence in my life. We talked about everything from clothes to the stupid insecurities that girls share and how God is greater than them all.

The Jurek clan are some of the coolest people I know. They're godly and fashionable and drink Starbucks coffee regularly. Erick is kind and would always patiently teach me how to play bass riffs. Ashton is optimistic and cheerful and can light up the room with her smile. She's also a writer and has a killer blog. Kory is the best drummer ever, period. He's really humble about it too. He's given me a great example to follow (and he gave me some of his facial hair, not willingly, but that's another story). Dave Jurek makes me laugh because we have the same sense of humor. He's encouraging and a great person to talk to.

Jacqui Vaulkenburg-I couldn't even list all the times she's made me laugh. She's amiable and charming. We're so close that we can be awkward together, and she's also the kind of friend that will hide me with her jacket while I'm blowing my nose so that the other people at Applebee's won't see.

I could go on and on about every person at Grace, so much that I could probably write a book! The ways that God has blessed me through these people is incalculable.

It wasn't until I was faced with "goodbye" that I realized just how much I love them. I wouldn't be the person I am today without their encouragement and fellowship.

So here's the "good" in "goodbyes"-

For Christians, there's always a subsequent hello.

I know that I'll see all of them again. I have no intention of cutting ties in this life either; but even if there is a fallout, I know we'll all be together again someday.

So even though I'm embarking on this new chapter in my life, I won't forget the earlier characters. God sends people into our lives and sometimes he takes them away. There's nothing I can do about it. I'm in control of nothing.

The key is to trust God, because He's not only the author of your story. He's the hero, the one character that will walk with you through it all.